The Best Paladin on the Server

On Saturday evening, I had the rare honor of joining a ToC 10 PuG tanked by the Best Paladin on the Server.  He magnanimously agreed to save our run after the death knights who had initially signed on to tank dropped out after several admittedly embarrassing wipes on Northrend Beasts (that I'm 99.9% certain that they caused out of sheer ineptitude).

… oh, and Elam came too.  On his death knight tank, Grazeless, who — provincial bovine charm notwithstanding — was clearly outclassed by the Best Paladin on the Server. 

So, after posing outside the instance portal in his spit-polished ilevel 258 gear (and taking a few screen shots with envious lookers-on), the Best Paladin on the Server took one look at our ragtag crew — and laughed.  “I hope you have a DPS set, Grazeless,” he chortled.  “I can solo-tank this shit.”

(Note to self: Introduce the Best Paladin on the Server to Snottydin.  I think they’ll hit it off well.)

Grazeless hesitated, too awed by the opportunity to converse directly with the Best Paladin on the Server to formulate a timely response.  “I don’t have a DPS spec,” he stammered at length.  “But I do have a hunter spec.”

“Ah well.”  The Best Paladin on the Server shrugged his plate-encased shoulders, pausing ever so briefly to admire his reflection in the gleaming metal.  “Nevermind.  I’ll tank the first boss and teach you how to tank the rest of them.  It’s so easy, even you could do it.” 

Eager to be see the Best Paladin on the Server in action, our fearless leader hurried us all back into the Crusader’s Coliseum — much to the dismay of the gaggle of Blood Elf fangirls who had scattered throughout the Tournament Grounds, sighing and swooning and flinging their Battle-forged panties in the Best Paladin on the Server’s general direction.

Once we had zoned in, the Best Paladin on the Server favored the much less experienced Grazeless with a precious moment of his time and vastly superior wisdom.  “I suppose I’ll let you help with this after all.  Taunt after four stacks of Impale and pick up Acidmaw when he spawns.  He’s the one on the left.” 

Sensing that Grazeless was confused by this rather complicated instruction, the Best Paladin on the Server made an “L” with the thumb and forefinger of his left hand and winked.   “The left is this one — see?”

Grazeless gulped, clutched his two-handed axe like a security blanket, and eventually nodded his understanding. 

The Best Paladin on the Server smiled beatifically, executed a perfect hair flip, and sauntered over to take his rightful place at the head of the raid. 

And … nothing happened.  We stood around staring at each other, mouths slightly agape as we shook our heads in bewilderment.  What was Tirion Fordring waiting for? 

“Ugh, just get on with it.”  The Best Paladin on the Server glared up at the stands.  “I’ll autograph your helm after I solo-tank this shit.”  Tirion Fordring blushed and forced himself to stop admiring the vision of paladiness before him long enough to send in Gormok the Impaler.

And because he is, after all, an Elam Alt®: Grazeless died.

The Best Paladin on the Server shrieked like a harried banshee.  “YO, HUNTER!” he howled over Varian Wrynn’s ever-obnoxious gloating.  (Somewhere in Storm Peaks, an avalanche started.)  “YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO TANK ACIDMAW.  I CAN’T SOLO-TANK THIS SHIT ‘CUZ I HAVE TO KITE DREADSCALE THROUGH THE RANGED DPS WHILE OUTRANGING MY TOXIN’D HEALER AND ABSOLUTELY NOT BREAKING HER OUT OF PARALYSIS ‘CUZ THAT’S THE TOTALLY PRO WAY TO DO TOC.”

Not surprisingly, the hunter whimpered and feigned death.

Gormok: 1.

Hapless PuG: 0

As we made the dash of shame back into the instance, Grazeless summoned his courage like a ghoul and pulled the Best Paladin on the Server aside.  “Maybe you should tank Acidmaw,” he suggested.  “Your TPS is so much better than mine.  And I want to practice that whole kiting-through-the-DPS and outranging-my-healer and not-freeing-people-from-poison thing you have going on, because it’s really sexy and I hear Best Death Knight on the Server is still up for grabs.  So, can you help a Deathcow out?”

“I suppppppose,” the Best Paladin on the Server drawled, using a corner of Grazeless’s cloak to wipe the worm spit off of his breastplate.  “Just remember, no matter what those imbeciles over there” — he waved a hand towards the DPS, who by this time were huddled in shame around their fish feast — “would have you believe, the Worms absolutely do NOT drop aggro after a burrow.”

Grazeless nodded, savoring the advice, and trotted back to the herd. 

Round Two: Fight?

(To be continued.  Maybe.)